Posted @ 00:14Headlines 2014 III

The saga continues...

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL CONSUMER CAMPAIGN EVER

With the government's announcement of new regulations on the contents of food, the NOCHEM organisation has claimed victory for "the humble consumer over the power of agribusiness and the food processing industry". The new regulations will require food manufacturers to remove all chemicals from food by 2020. NOCHEM has described the victory as a success for "the greatest consumer campaign ever".

From humble beginnings on — some would say — the lunatic fringe of political campaigning, NOCHEM has finally convinced the consumer that any chemical is bad for human beings. By convincing the man in the street that the claims by its detractors that "everything is made of chemicals so removing them from food would leave nothing" were just the special pleasing of materialists supporting outdated 19^th Century scientific theories. As NOCHEM says, "They were just theories. Chemicals may seem to be everywhere, but they don't provide the nutrition in food. Nutrition is an innate, spiritual property of the universe. It doesn't need chemicals. Removing all the chemicals from food can only benefit the human race, not the least by making food easy to digest."

NOCHEM's strategy of encouraging hunger strikes outside supermarkets is believed to be a major factor in their success. The organisation's president, the 27-stone Gimme Cash — who has unselfishly consumed ordinary foods for many years in order to demonstrate how bad they are — paid tribute to these grass-root campaigners: "Their sacrifice will not be in vain. Their example has demonstrated that people can live for several weeks without chemicals in their food."

LIVE AMMUNITION IS "NOT UNFAIR"

As the Glorious 21^st approaches and serious, healthy citizens prepare their annual assaults on smokers, the Law Lords have ruled that it is "nor unfair" to use live ammunition against smokers. The judgement continued, "if smokers happen to get in the way of the live bullets fired in celebration by non-smokers, that is just an accident. After all, smokers are horrible human beings who introduce horrible chemicals into the air."

In related news, the government has announced that the benzene released by internal combustion engines is "substantially different" from that released by cigarette smoke and "only causes nice cancers".

IMMIGRATION & POVERTY PROBLEMS SOLVED

In a speech to the approved members of the General Assembly of the United Nations (USA, UK & France (on Fridays only)), the Secretary General, George W Bush, announced that he had solved the two major problems of the world: poor people in the USA and economic migrants. "Poverty in the USA has been solved by expelling all poor people from the country. In future, only rich people will be allowed to live there."

The problem of immigration was also solved in a radical, simple manner. "The problem," he said, "is that everyone wants to live in rich successful places. In particular, everyone wants to live in California. The solution is to rename the planet California so that everyone already lives there. In that way, no-one will need to live any where else."

LATE NEWS: HOME OFFICE UPDATE THE POLICE

The Home Office has announced a complete overhaul of policing in the UK. In future, they will concentrate their efforts on real criminals, ignoring innocent people. This is regraded as a revolutionary change in policing methods in the UK: until now the police have spent much of the time trying to find the people who carried out crimes and assembling the evidence. "Effective immediately," a Home Office spokesperson announced, "the police will concentrate on criminals. It is well known that crimes are committed by these sorts of people and not by innocent ones. Ordinary, innocent citizens now only have to inform police that they aren't criminals and they will be automatically eliminated from the enquiries."

The new regime was welcomed by various consumer organisations: "Innocent motorists who exceed the speed limit for their own, personal reasons will no longer be branded criminals. Shooting annoying pets belonging to neighbours will not now be regarded as a cause for arrest. And we'll all be able to murder anyone who breaks into our houses. Just as long as they keep arresting smokers."