Provincial Letters

Far from the mad crowds of the city, Blaise Pascal passed comment on the strange behaviour of this urban contemporaries in his Provincial Letters. The connection between them and this blog is somewhat tenuous.

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Location: Grimsby, N E Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

My star sign in Superstition. And I didn't believe in reincarnation last time, either. The only thing I can't tolerate is intolerance. I am a fanatical ant-fanaticist. I am bigotted only where bigots are concerned. I am a fundamentalist atheist. I'm proud to be a product of evolution; I know it in my genes.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Posted @ 16:40Teleportation Made Easy

It is with a complete lack of modesty that I announce that I have discovered a safe and easy method of teleportation; from now on human beings will be able to move from one place to another instantaneously without any memory of an intervening journey. Whilst there are, as will be explained, certain side-effects to the process at the present time, they should not be insurmountable. In keeping with my belief that certain discoveries are of such import to the human race, I give this knowledge freely to the world without expecting or demanding any reward (apart from vast quantities of cash).

If anyone would doubt the truth of my discovery, I would like to present my first-hand evidence for this momentous process. Those who know me will be aware that I am not prone to sensational pronouncements or exaggerated claims. My evidence is unencumbered by any emotional attachment to my own part in the discovery of this phenomenon.

The first teleportation of a human being happened in the early hours of Sunday morning (it is proposed that 17th December become "Teleportation Day", recognised as a holiday throughout the world, where everyone donates their day's income to a worthy cause — my bank balance). I bade my goodbyes to the people who remained at the party, thanking the hostess for a wonderful evening, and headed for the door. I woke up, sometime later, at home, with no memory of any journey whatsoever. The only explanation: teleportation. With the methods I have discovered, the world will be free from its dependence upon oil and gas for transportation and there will be no more need for dry sandwiches and tepid coffee in waiting rooms.

How, I know you are thinking, is this marvellous mode of transport achieved? The method is simple, but there are, I can vouchsafe, a couple of minor side-effects. These side-effects are not serious and should easily be eliminated by further research.

The most important ingredient is ice-cold vodka and slices of lemon — with beer and wine in a supporting role. The transportee needs to consume a number of these before attempting the process. The exact size of the measures and the precise number of measures to consume have yet to be quantified, but, for now, "very large" and "lots" will do. The only — and, I stress, minor — side-effects are sleeping for twelve hours afterwards and a thumping headache. These are, no doubt, a result of the de-materialisation process and necessary re-materialisation. A good meal, several cups of tea and coffee, plus a good night's sleep, will render the transportee back to normal health.

I leave it to my readers to further experiment with this method and discover a method of neutralising the side-effects.


There is, unfortunately, no time to mention the impending invasion of the world by mutant cushions, one of which attacked Ian O on Saturday night. Fortunately, it wasn't one of the large, poisonous kind (as Mark W was kind enough to point out).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The mutant cushion was diagnosed as benign, I am happy to report.
Ian O.

Tue Dec 19, 05:19:00 pm GMT 
Blogger Seany said...

Well done Woja. I've been using teleportation to get home from the Tap for quite some time now, but for fear of [further] ridicule, I've never told anyone...

Wed Dec 20, 09:41:00 am GMT 

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