Posted @ 16:57The Real & Reliable History of Grimsby II

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4. Origins: Cultural History

It has long been believed that the only culture in Grimsby was the mould which grows on two-week-old milk. But recent discoveries[1], highlighted on the accompanying mapMap showing distribution of evidence of early Grimsby settlement & cultural activities. - indicate that there was a great deal of cultural activity in Grimsby's early years (30,000 - 50,000 BCE).

A large number of misshapen rocks and sticks indicate that drummers existed around in the area around 40,000 BCE but it was to be many millennia before any real musicians appeared. There are hints[2], however, that there were many performers who used specially trained sheep to hit rocks with wooden batons in order to provide the backing for their renditions of versions of the tribal songs and dances of their neighbours. These, it appears, were more reliable than human drummers[3]. This "Backing Rocks" era was followed by a much longer period when groups of local performers impersonated the more popular traditional dance and song of their neighbouring tribes: the "Tribute Rocks" era. It is believed[4] that a few hardy souls attempted to develop a local musical tradition but they were regarded with suspicion and either ignored or - particularly during the "Saturday Night Out" ritual - verbally and physically abused. The only authenticated indigenous music from this period which gained any sort of local recognition was a lengthy, apparently amusing, impersonation of a sick cod[5] which was originally used to indicate that a message had arrived from a local, neighbouring tribe[6].

In the field of art, this period also saw the first meeting of the tribal governor's investigating the possibility of providing a permanent base for visual arts in the area. North East Lincs Council has recently indicated that this feasibility study may be complete by 3000 CE. Several people in the area are said to be waiting for this "with the baited breath of a week-dead camel"[7].

Whilst this feasibility study was being carried out (and several great civilisations came and went in other parts of the world), many local people produced stunning visual arts from the earliest of times (for artists, this is just after lunch). Unfortunately, the best of these appear to have been exported in exchange for coloured beads which could be exchanged for other coloured beads[8]. Although the area seems to have produced many artists who have attempted to instil some cultural life into the area, the net result of these efforts - in light of the lack of a permanent base for the arts - seems to have been to promote the idea in the rest of the world that the greatest visual art Grimsby can produce was "banging your head against a brick wall"[9].

To be continued...

[1] Excavations carried out during the recent renewal of a large number of waste bins in the Grimsby area.

[2] The hints were provided by a gentleman who wishes to remain nameless. This has made it difficult for him to get cheques cashed.

[3] Two drummer jokes per blog post are the maximum number allowed under current EU regulations. There are, however, moves afoot to increase this number. The proposed legislation also suggests that it be made compulsory for all blog posts from within the EU to contain at least one drummer joke. This has been proposed in order to reduce the EU's massive drummer-joke mountain.

[4] Some people will believe anything. Some people believe that wearing loud Bermuda shorts makes them look zany and fun rather than a complete prat.

[5] The Yms apparently regarded a sick cod as being as funny as, say, a cartoon frog wearing goggles.

[6] These messages were invariably of the form: "Stop singing like a sick cod".

[7] This paragraph has been found to contain levels of satire but the readings are within government approved safety limits.

[8] Possibly - but not necessarily - of a different colour.

[9] Warning: dangerous levels of satire in this paragraph.