Provincial Letters

Far from the mad crowds of the city, Blaise Pascal passed comment on the strange behaviour of this urban contemporaries in his Provincial Letters. The connection between them and this blog is somewhat tenuous.

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Location: Grimsby, N E Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

My star sign in Superstition. And I didn't believe in reincarnation last time, either. The only thing I can't tolerate is intolerance. I am a fanatical ant-fanaticist. I am bigotted only where bigots are concerned. I am a fundamentalist atheist. I'm proud to be a product of evolution; I know it in my genes.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Posted @ 11:46Victory and Aftermath

That's better.

Now I've got the furniture sorted out, I can explain how I single-handedly defeated the menace of The Revolutionary Committee of Cuddly Toys and Azhalarhud the Soul-stealer in particular (or Woja Bear as he was latterly, and is subsequently known). Well "single-handedly" might be an exaggeration: I have been know to embellish the truth somewhat in this journal.

Well, it all began with the discovery that teddy bears cannot read things written in orange italics. This allowed me to communicate with the outside world and plan the counter-revolution. It has since become apparent that teddy-bears, like many inanimate objects, are incapable of reading anything at all. But that is hardly the first thing that would occur to anyone when they are threatened with the takeover of the entire earth by such a gruesome horror.

But their ultimate defeat came more as a result of my discovery of certain weaknesses in their plan, psychology, physiology and something else beginning with "p":

  • Woja Bear (a.k.a. vicious little bastard) boasted of "striding the world like a colossus" when he finally achieved his true form as Azhalarhud the Soul-stealer. As things turned out his "true form" was as an 8cm high ball of artificial fur filled with soft stuffing. This rendered the "striding" and "colossus" parts of his boast rather meaningless. His dream of ripping the livers from prostrate humans was rather stymied by this discovery.
  • The Revolutionary Committee apparently learnt their megalomania from a book: "How to be a megalomaniac". This was obviously not written by anyone who really understood megalomania (i.e., a megalomaniac) as a real megalomaniac would be far to busy oppressing their subjects, torturing dissenters and being generally nasty to have time to write a book. As a result, they weren't very good at megalomania. Being cuddly toys in the first place didn't help their progress in this direction, either.
  • Cuddly toys do not like puns. As kryptonite is to Superman, so puns are to cuddly toys. This is a valuable discovery and may save millions of men from subjugation by their girlfriend's teddy. If you don't have any puns available, I'll be glad to supply some (I am custodian of the EU's pun mountain).

There only remains the question of what to do with the turncoat, Seany, who sold out to become Poet laureate to the Revolutionary Committee. All suggestions welcome (cruel and unusual punishments will be a particular favourite).


Anonymous Rach said...

How about lashings of Vogon poetry recited to Seany by a choir of cuddly toys..... Whilst he wears a teddy bear costume..... In whatever pub his mates occupy at the time.... After buying everyone a round...... Every Friday and Saturday for a year.....???
(i could go on but i chose to stop short of 'with a pineapple shoved up his arse'....)

Thu May 12, 09:54:00 pm BST 
Blogger Seany said...

*deep breath*

Well can I say in my defence
I think I’m your side of the fence
And rather than grapple
With a large pineapple
I’ll try now to make you see sense

When I first applied to be poet
The chance was just too great to throw it
I could write lousy verse
While the bears plotted worse
And tell you (but they wouldn’t know it)

But before my plan came to fruition
It was clear they had no ammunition
Their plots all fell through
Though I guess the girls knew
Using their feminine intuition

So punish me still if you must
As a spy can’t expect any trust
But if I have to write
Any more of this sh*te
I will trash my PC in disgust

*relinquishes title of laureate*

Thu May 12, 10:47:00 pm BST 
Blogger woja said...

Ahh, Rach, the well-known fruit torturer.

Ahh, Seany, the "but I was a spy" defence.

Don't know what to do about you, Sean, but Rach's suggestion does have some merits... ...particularly the pineapple bit.

Fri May 13, 10:41:00 am BST 
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