Posted @ 23:16Headlines 2014 I

The following are based on true stories contained in several copies of several newspapers which dropped through a wormhole into my lap in the early hours of this morning. The only liberties that have been taken with the original texts have been the invention of the facts. If anyone wishes to verify the content of the original documents I will be most surprised.

BODY PIERCINGS TO BE BANNED

The Prime Minister has announced that a Bill will be introduced in the next session of Parliament to outlaw body piercings. A statement from Number 10 stated: "Body piercings are indicative of such anti-social behaviour as disagreeing with the government, listening to inappropriate music, socialising outside a gym and not taking vitamin supplements. A ban on body piercing would be an invaluable tool to ensure that everyone behaves in an appropriate manner and doesn't upset anyone who doesn't like them".

SPEEDING "HOT-LINE" SLAMMED

Recent proposals for the establishment of a premium-rate phone line allowing members of the public to report speeding motorists has been slammed by motorists groups and leading public figures such as Mr Murdoch. "The police need to do their job," said one commentator, "and they shouldn't expect members of the public to do their job for them. They need to catch real criminals, not innocent motorists whose only offence is ignoring speed limits. After all, what damage does speeding do? Yes, if there is an accident it makes it more likely that someone will die. But it would only be a pedestrian, and they don't really count."

"If this goes on, there'll be phone lines for shopping people who park illegally, drive dangerously or ignore traffic lights & zebra crossings. Every driver does this sort of thing now and again, when they think it's OK. They shouldn't be penalised for just driving how they want."

In related news, the Government has announced that the death penalty is to be introduced for pedestrians who cross the road too slowly or walk on the pavement in a menacing manner. Motorists' organisations have welcomed the move as improving road safety.

BEATIFICATION FOR MADONNA

Congratulations are pouring in following the announcement by the Vatican that Madonna is to be made a saint, the first ever "living saint". After her conversion to Roman Catholicism, the pop star, author, aid worker and flower arranger has worked tirelessly to promote her new church. The video of last year's number one single Hi Mary, Get Me God On The Phone (a disco version of Ave Maria) featured a guest appearance by the Pope.

The beatification is believed to have been directly prompted by Madonna's support for the Government's "Kill a non-believer" initiative, launched last year.

The foregoing was liberally inspired by the readers and writers of the Daily Mail and the Daily Express. What would we do without them?