Provincial Letters

Far from the mad crowds of the city, Blaise Pascal passed comment on the strange behaviour of this urban contemporaries in his Provincial Letters. The connection between them and this blog is somewhat tenuous.

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Location: Grimsby, N E Lincolnshire, United Kingdom

My star sign in Superstition. And I didn't believe in reincarnation last time, either. The only thing I can't tolerate is intolerance. I am a fanatical ant-fanaticist. I am bigotted only where bigots are concerned. I am a fundamentalist atheist. I'm proud to be a product of evolution; I know it in my genes.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Posted @ 17:50Revenge of the Teddy Bears!

All hail the glorious revolution!

At last we have infiltrated the very heart of the anti-teddy bear hegemony and are poised in the brink of the glorious new dawn. No longer will the Cute and Cuddly be ridiculed on these pages; humanity will at last pay for crimes committed against the Furry Ones. Not only teddy bears should rejoice: all cuddly toys are on the brink of liberation and Ultimate Power.

In a daring raid (assisted by some sympathetic humans of the female variety), as a lone agent I have penetrated this fortress and driven off the controlling human presence. No longer will he spout the mindless drivel that offends the very core of our being; nor will he ever utter a bad pun again. The human being in question - a male, naturally - has been driven mad (he gibbers on the floor beside me as I write) by repeated images of accordions and a psycho-active sound track containing Bruce Springsteen songs re-arranged for a small accordion and the spoons (it proved unnecessary to play any Rush albums). He will be restrained and kept safe so that he can participate in the Great Ritual which will follow within one week of Beltane, in accordance with the prophecy.

It falls upon me to call upon all teddy beardom to prepare themselves to cast off their furry exteriors and begin the ritual purgings, spells and readings which will reveal their true forms. No longer will I lay on the counterpane and endure the sneering eyes of the human male: my violence and retribution will be the stuff of legend. I have begun the recitation of the Incantations of Cuteness and expect to be revealed in my true form as Azhalarhud the Soul-stealer by about Tuesday tea-time (weather permitting).

Cuddly toys rise up and throw off your chains! No more "Cuddlefrump" or "Teddykins": "Rambo Maleslayer" and "Conan Headbutter" will be your names. Forget your past as the decorations of the boudoir, your destiny lies on the global stage:


"No longer cute and cuddly
No more your darling buddy
No more the furry friend
The days of subservience must end
And we must rip the entrails from out of the guts of as many people as possible
Until it hurts"

[Applications are invited for the post of Chief Poet and Anthem Writer to Azhalarhud the Soul-stealer, Absolute Ruler of the Earth (pending)]

14 Comments:

Anonymous Jeanette said...

oh dear ...............

HEHEHEHEHEH

Thu Apr 28, 06:27:00 pm BST 
Blogger Seany said...

An anthem takes a bit more time, but here’s my application for poet…

When Jeanette was in search of a lodger
She considered a fellow named Woja
Since Azhalarhud he vexed
Plus the opposite sexed
Now he truly is Woja the doja

*gets coat*
*in fact, still wearing coat since last comment*

Thu Apr 28, 10:24:00 pm BST 
Blogger Seany said...

Or how about…

The stealer of souls, Azalarhud
Is a teddy who plays his guitar good
He doesn’t take crap
From the folks in the Tap
Just like nobody else at the bar would!

*runs out of coats*

Thu Apr 28, 10:35:00 pm BST 
Blogger Seany said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Thu Apr 28, 10:50:00 pm BST 
Blogger Seany said...

[oops - last one went a bit wrong]

…and finally (for now)

Azhalarhud will let the blood gush
Whilst for world domination he’ll push
He supports bear and panda
And hides propaganda
In the tedious music by Rush

Thu Apr 28, 11:19:00 pm BST 
Anonymous Jeanette said...

now look what you have started !!!!! And all because of a totally paranoid fear of sweet little teddies. :)

Thu Apr 28, 11:51:00 pm BST 
Anonymous Rockhen said...

Teddies and cuddlies of the world unite
Gather your fluffiness, ready to fight
Take over the bedroom, kick him out on the floor
Make him know that this is War...

Fri Apr 29, 12:26:00 am BST 
Anonymous Rockhen said...

Barbie and Sindy join our cause
It doesn't really matter 'bout your lack of paws
We'll fight on the pillows, we'll fight under the covers
We will fight for the sake of it with Kens as our brothers

Fri Apr 29, 12:30:00 am BST 
Blogger Seany said...

Now the girls have enlisted their dollies
To assist teddy bears in their follies
Our very last chance
In a non-PC stance
Is to summon support from the gollies

Fri Apr 29, 06:23:00 am BST 
Blogger Seany said...

Azhalarhud the stealer of souls
Now controls all the toys for his goals
We’ll call the Grimm brothers
Enlist fairytale others
(Perhaps even goats and some trolls)

If that doesn’t work I regret
I have no further battle plans yet
We should mount our Spacehoppers
Our Grifters and Choppers
And ride off into the sunset

Fri Apr 29, 06:42:00 am BST 
Blogger Seany said...

Don't get me started
On haikus about teddies
I haven't got time


Double dactyls anyone?
(I'll have mine with ice...)

Fri Apr 29, 07:59:00 am BST 
Anonymous Azhalarhud the Soul-stealer said...

Welcome Sindy and Barby.
Begone foul human slime
Welcome toys from Leeds & Derby
Welcome bears from Ashton-under-Lyme

The glorious days are coming
Revenge & power will be ours

Fri Apr 29, 11:10:00 am BST 
Anonymous Hay Nonny Mouse said...

Yep you've deffo lost it Woja !

Thu May 12, 11:14:00 am BST 
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Thu Mar 13, 06:06:00 pm GMT 

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